Life has been getting really really good lately. My romantic life is rich, challenging and exciting, my business is growing steadily, I am healthier and stronger than ever, I have many close and deepening friendships, my spiritual explorations are rich and fruitful and this year is almost fully booked solid with tour dates and hoop adventures! Sounds perfect right? You may be as surprised as I was that rather than basking in bliss, ok there has been some basking but also, I have been experiencing levels of fear and anxiety. Fear that these wonderful things may not last, or be taken away. Upon digging deeper I discovered that I have grown very good at surrendering and letting go when things are rocky, I am at my wits end or I have nothing to lose. But this new place of being in the flow, magic happening and things actually working?? How do I surrender into that? How do I fully allow and enjoy all the good with out attaching to it…. making myself tight and anxious?
Let me back up a touch… For a long time I resisted surrender because it felt like giving up, in a sense of “losing the battle.” What has been shown to me (by wonderful teachers, and time spent in mediation) is that true surrender is closer to laying down the weapons entirely and opening so much that all your experiences flow right through you. This means any resistance within you gets to be let go of and you stand empty and expansive… Nothing to “figure out” or decide upon, just simply being in the experience. AH, so sweet. Once I got a taste of it there was really no other way to live for me then moment-by-moment in true full hearted, letting go.
In order to find the space of surrender many spiritual masters in the past have renounced the physical and lived separate from society. This is the space that connection to the divine has classically been found. When one has nothing and lives simply, the natural aware choice in each moment is surrender and more surrender. But, most of us don’t want to live in a cave so we are faced with a challenge. How do we find this level of divine connection even amidst the chaos of society and the rollercoaster of relationships? Daily meditation and other spiritual practices are transformative and soothing to the soul but more commonly the modern way to find surrender seems to be paved with hardship. Many of us have experienced this, relationships failing, loved ones dying, jobs ending etc. Only in the extremes, have many of us found full on, heart-blown-wide-open surrender with a capitol “S”! And thank God for that right? It seems, for a while, once we have wiped our tears, that we have “arrived”. We are in the flow and wonderful things begin to come flooding in. “I have totally reached enlightenment, man!” Cue grasping, clinging and attachment… all in one word FEAR, oh boy! Thus beginning the steady decent back to sleep, perhaps only to have things stripped away once again, because the drive for an individual to expand is so relentless that you will be guided to just that… if only to feel the joy of waking up to surrender once again. But what if we didn’t have to ride the hamster wheel and lose the precious momentum we have gathered? To be clear, there are many important lessons learned from getting back on the ride again and again, but I think there comes a time when you ask yourself; “this is exciting and all, but is there another way?”
So, perhaps it’s time. Time we found a new, less outwardly dramatic, path to spiritual awareness amidst the hustle and bustle… rich with relationships, desires and goodies to enjoy. Are we ready, on a collective soul level, to take on the greater complexity of deep connection to the divine in each moment… even through all the distractions both external and internal? This is the current flavor of my inner explorations. So far it has looked like me pausing when I feel attachment and fear of losing one of the many gifts that are coming in, breathing and just letting go. Focusing on gratitude, keeping it simple and allowing myself to OPEN fully to both the having of that wonderful thing or experience and the not having of it. ~Whew~ It's been hard work… but how exciting; to anticipate feeling deep surrender while eating an ice cream cone with a beloved, that formerly would have taken some catastrophic event and me weeping on the floor?? I say YES! Who’s with me?
Breathing deep and feeling WONDERFUL~
Anah aka Hoopalicious