So, I am learning an amazing piece of choreography for a performance at Hoop Camp. I have mentioned this in a previous blog, but a new element has come in... Last night I tried it for the first time at full speed and YEESH, this is freakin HARD. I am challenged with choreo in general, always having been an authentic-to-me movement kind of person. To add to the list of challenges, the moves in this piece are almost entirely moves that aren't in my normal flow lexicon and add to THAT all the turns are to the right and I naturally hoop more to the LEFT. Apparently this is the year I am being called to step up into a new level of excellence on more levels than I even realized. While I welcome the challenge, drilling foreign movements for 40 minutes in my living room while alternating swearing and dropping my hoop was unexpected. I AM getting it, but I am having to process through a lot of frustration, insecurity and doubt in order to get there. This is so totally new to me and it has made me realize something about the way I hoop... or better said, the way I AVOID hooping.
I have always been one to promote a zen state while hooping and especially when learning new moves. I still far prefer this method of stepping into flow and newness FOR SURE. In the past when I would get frustrated I would either take a break and find my inner calm before proceeding, or I would just put the move I was trying to learn down for a while and come back to it at another time. This is different though. I have something riding on my getting these moves. I have a real deadline, my pride at stake and people counting on me to bring my A game. I can't afford to wait until I am in a better mood or put it down to try later. This process has made me realize that frustration and maybe even anger are the top emotions that I avoid feeling the most. Wowzers. So here I am, swearing and stamping my feet, unable to quit. Who knew it would take hoop choreography to finally get me to face and learn how to deal with my anger?
I discovered, as I growled and spat out curse words, that this frustration and anger, as all emotions won't actually kill me. I discovered that I don't have to let it stop me or even to ruin my overall mood. I discovered that I can feel it, make crazy animals sounds, breathe, then just start over again. I discovered that I can still find flow even if I don't feel perfectly calm and zen. I have found a little piece of me that is actually tougher than I thought. I see now that I needed that piece to come home and add to my felt sense of inherent wholeness. By sweating through the difficulty, I have found that I don't have to be afraid to feel angry or frustrated. I have found that I can actually still take care of myself and not get it on others. What a relief. How relaxing!
I am still being challenged by this piece but I am getting so much more out of the process than just some new moves (even though they are AWESOME moves), this alone makes it so so worth the struggle. To be continued.....
See you at hoop camp!!