For the first time in my life I am consciously choosing, from a place of love, to be single. I am choosing single-hood (no sex, no dating) for at least 6 months. Saying this, it seems like not that long and certainly I have been single longer than that. But I have never CHOSEN it. The act of choosing is giving me an entirely different experience of single-ness. Do I still long for love occasionally? Of course! But in moments like that I am finding that my attention is easily turned back to the reasons I am choosing to be single.
Reason #1. I have declared this year to be the year that I finally step into my potential. I am sure there will be more levels infinitely upward beyond what I can see know, but the last decade has been fraught with frustration and to be honest, more than my fair share of self induced misery and hopelessness. I decided towards the end of 2016 that I had had enough of all that nonsense and it was time to get out of stagnation and start LIVING. In order to do that I am taking on A LOT. Courses, books, new awesome habits, writing, speaking and hooping. Turns out getting your shit together takes time and a bee line focus that doesn't feel harmonious with a romantic relationship right now. There is a reason that butterflies don't mate in the larval stage. Just sayin' ;)
Reason #2. I recognize that I haven't powerfully chosen the man I am going to date for a very very long time. I hesitate to right this because it may be hurtful to my past lovers, but it's true. It in no way detracts from the love I felt for each every one of the men who have graced my life, and yet I am still aware that deepest part of me was not the one doing the choosing. I often fell into relationship out of base desires for physical affection, human desires for companionship (over and above "rightness") or just because I really liked the feeling of being loved and given attention and care. I want to CHOOSE and choose powerfully from every level of my being. With eyes, heart, mind and body all aligned in a big YES. I am not willing to settle for anything less than that. Not any more.
Reason #3. The act of choosing ME feels incredibly loving and powerful. It harnesses my energy when I go out in the world... into places I might normally be craning my neck to see if there are any men I am attracted to. Instead I am focused on just enjoying myself on nights out. If I feel that part of myself start to preen or crave attention, I get to see her more clearly and perhaps even heal this small, desperate girl inside. Without the framework of commitment to single-hood, I might be more likely to let that part of myself lead and probably follow it right into another chosen-but-not-chosen relationship that serves to distract instead of satiate. From the safety of declared single-hood, I get to feel all those tricky little patterns that come up for me in the presence of men and pour love all over each and every wound, big and small.
To be clear, I am not choosing to be single out of austerity or bitterness or because I just prefer to be single. I love relationship and I look forward to being in a really EPIC one someday. I am investing in myself so that I am truly ready for the level of man that my soul desires. I will know when I am ready. Till then, I am STOKED to be in my self made school of life and loving every minute.
Yours, in love and life~